


Casting Couch

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-15
Updated: 2000-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:36:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Scully, Skinner, and Krycek look for someone to fill Mulder's...shoes.





	Casting Couch

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Casting Couch by Halrloprillalar

SPOILERS: Requiem and everything else.  
DISTRIBUTION: Archive freely. Email forwarding OK.  
RATING: R for strong language and adult situations.  
KEYWORDS: Humour. Slash. Het. Meta-fic.  
SUMMARY: Scully, Skinner, and Krycek look for someone to fill Mulder's...shoes.  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.  
MORE FIC: http://come.to/prillalar  
July 2000  
For the person at the AD's Office Slash Humour chat who submitted this question: "What are the slash writers going to do when the 'new' agent takes Mulder's place this season?" It's all your fault. :)

* * *

CASTING COUCH  
by Halrloprillalar <>

Skinner looked pointedly at his watch. "Can we get started, please?"

Scully shifted on the couch. "First I have to pee."

"Again?"

"Again. It's beautiful and natural." She got up and headed for the door. Krycek got out of his folding chair and made for the couch. Scully turned in the doorway. "Steal my seat and you're a dead man."

"I'd do what she says, Alex." Skinner lowered his voice. "She's not taking the miracle of life too well."

Krycek grimaced but moved back to his chair. "Let's just get this over with. I have another appointment." He pulled out his Palm Pilot and Skinner stiffened. "Relax, I'm just checking my schedule." Krycek tapped at the pad a bit, then put it away. "So, shouldn't Chris be here?"

"Don't ever mention that name in my presence again." Scully came back in and sat down. "Morning sickness, stretch marks, parasitic life form feeding on me from within -- all his fault. He gets no say."

Behind Scully's back, Skinner rolled his eyes at Krycek. "Any one want a coffee?"

"No fucking coffee for me, remember?" Scully pulled a bottle of water out of her purse. "No fucking wine. No fucking cola."

"I'll take a fucking coffee, Walter." Krycek smiled at Scully. "We're here, the computers are set up, let's go."

Scully twisted around and looked at the computers set up on a table behind the couch. "I thought there were supposed to be three."

"The slashers are on the right. Shippers on the left." Skinner coughed. "The, er, Skinner-Scully contingent aren't attending. They say I should be your new partner."

"You should be so lucky." Scully turned her back on the machines. "I don't see why they have to be here at all."

"They're just observers, Scully. We're under no obligation to listen to their suggestions."

Krycek pulled his chair closer to the couch. "Can we just get started before the Happy Homemaker has to pee again?"

Skinner picked up the phone. "Kim, please send in the first candidate."

A young man walked tentatively into the room and looked for a chair to sit in. There wasn't one.

"Agent Pendrell, this is a surprise." Skinner stood up to shake his hand. Scully and Krycek exchanged glances.

"Well, I just thought that I was really qualified for this job and so here I am." Beads of sweat were forming on Pendrell's brow and he rubbed his hands nervously on his pants.

"I know you've worked with everyone here." Skinner turned to the others and they nodded. "But there's just one problem." He put his hand on Pendrell's shoulder. "You're dead."

Pendrell's shoulders slumped. "But I could come back! Right? People do that. I'll work really hard. I'll do anything."

"I'm sorry, Pendrell, but you're really dead. Maybe we'll have room for a flashback some time."

Skinner steered him out of the room. Pendrell turned in the doorway and called out, "And I'm really good with children..." Skinner closed the door.

"Let the kid down easy, why don't you, Walter?" Krycek grinned.

"Good with children?" Scully said. "I'll need a nanny, you know."

"Let's just move along, okay?" Skinner sat down and called for the next candidate.

A neatly dressed man, balding and a little pudgy, came in and adjusted his glasses. "I'm Dr Charles Burks. I've worked with Agent Scully before."

"Nice to see you, Chuck," Scully said. "So, why don't you tell us why you feel you should be my partner?"

"Well, as you know, I have significant expertise with the paranormal. Lots of good equipment, contacts...I've published a lot. And I'm quite familiar with Agent Mulder's work especially."

Krycek's eyes glittered. "He doesn't know."

"What don't I know?" Chuck straightened his tie.

Skinner glanced at Scully, but she obviously wasn't going to answer. "Dr Burks, this job only involves a small amount of investigation. For the most part, you would be involved in angsty reflection, romance, recreation, and a lot of sex."

"S-sex?" Chuck was suddenly the colour of a ripening tomato.

"Yes, the majority with Agent Scully, but also with me and Mr Krycek here and with anyone else who happened to come along. I won't lie to you; it's very demanding."

Now Chuck's face resembled a tomato that was very ripe indeed and probably about to explode. "I'm not some kind of pervert! Whatever you heard, those pictures of Fox are just for research purposes. Oh, they warned me about the FBI..." He rushed out, muttering as he went.

"Too bad," Scully said. "I always thought he was kind of cute."

Next was a tall man, standing ramrod straight, and impeccably turned out in dress uniform. "Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I'm pleased to meet you all." He took off his hat and held it under his arm.

"Benny, long time no see." Krycek leaned forward in his chair. "You're out of work?"

"Alex." Fraser nodded. "Merely a temporary situation." He turned a little to address the others. "My qualifications for the position are good. I am an excellent investigator. I have extensive sexual experience with both women and men, in a variety of situations, combinations, and positions." He handed Scully a sheaf of papers. "My references. I'm physically very fit and free of any diseases, sexual or otherwise. I can start immediately."

"These are certainly very...impressive, Constable." Scully flicked her eyes from the paper she was holding up to Fraser, then back to the page. "*Very* impressive." She passed the sheets to Skinner. "There's just one small test we have to administer."

Krycek jumped up before she could continue. "I'll start you off." He grabbed Fraser and pulled him into a deep kiss. It continued for some time. When they broke it off, Krycek's hair was ruffled up and he was breathing hard. Fraser looked just as spruce as when he'd walked in.

Scully bit her lip. "Sit down, Krycek, it's my turn." She crossed over to Fraser, who obligingly bent down to kiss her. As the embrace continued, the back of his neck got redder and redder and his hat fell to the floor. At last Scully let him go. Fraser's eyes were glazed over and his mouth stayed open for a moment.

"Skinner?" Scully looked over.

Skinner shook his head, arms folded over his chest. "We'll let you know, Constable." He did not stand up.

Retrieving his hat, Fraser regained his poise. "Thank you, sir, ma'am, Alex." He collected his references and left, while Krycek made frantic "call me" gestures to him.

Fraser was hardly out the door when Scully said, "He's perfect. Send the rest of them home."

"I'm with you." Krycek checked the computer screens. "The slashers are going crazy -- they're promising all sorts of concessions if we hire him. The shippers are less thrilled, though."

"They'll come around," Scully said. "He can help me rescue Mulder. Of course, it might be some time before we find him. Trekking through the wilderness, just the two of us, under the stars..."

"Chr-- You-Know-Who says you're not supposed to go out hiking in your condition." Krycek returned to his chair. "I'll go instead."

"I think we should see the rest of the candidates first." Skinner glowered at them. "I thought he was too uptight. He irritated me. And he's too pretty."

"You don't like pretty boys?" Krycek threw Skinner an exaggerated pout. "You could have fooled me."

"I don't see what the point is, but if you want to see the rest of them, let's go." Scully settled back into her seat.

Jeffrey Spender stood in front of them, dressed casually and looking depressed. "I know that we maybe didn't work together too well before, but I know the job and all. I can be good, evil, ambiguous, whatever. I think you've all pretty much seen what I can do in bed." He ran a hand through his curly hair. "My fate was never really resolved, either, so I could come back easily enough." He sighed and slouched a little. "I guess that's all."

Scully, Skinner, and Krycek exchanged glances. Skinner stood. "Okay, there's a practical exam too, won't take long." He kissed Spender, then stepped back, frowning slightly. Scully came up for her turn, with much the same reaction. While Krycek moved in on Spender, Skinner and Scully went to check the computers.

"The shippers seem pretty neutral about him," Skinner said. "I suppose they figure he's not much of a threat to Mulder."

"My God, the slashers are in the middle of a huge flame war." Scully scrolled through screen after screen of text. "He has some strong supporters here, but some strong detractors too."

"I had no idea. Maybe the controversy would be good for ratings."

Scully shrugged. "Let's see what Alex--" She stopped and stared, her mouth falling open.

Krycek and Spender were frantically making out on the couch. Krycek had Spender's shirt half off and Spender looked like he was trying to unhook Krycek's prosthetic arm.

"Get a room, guys," Skinner said. "Come on, Alex, we've got more work to do here."

Krycek raised his head. "Do we have time for a short break? Scully must need the bathroom by now."

"Just control yourself, Krycek," Scully said. "Do we have to turn the hose on you?"

Disengaging himself, Krycek pulled Spender up and to the door. "Later, baby," he murmured, stealing one last kiss. He closed the door and smoothed down his hair.

"Do you just do that with everyone you meet?" Scully asked.

Krycek smiled. "It's my motto: coppe feelum." He tucked in his shirt. "He's not bad, don't you think?"

"Better than that Mountie," Skinner said, ignoring the glare Scully directed at him. "There's just one more to see." He sat down. Scully looked distastefully at the couch, but sat anyhow.

The door opened and a woman walked into the room. Her long dark hair fell down her back. "Where's my chair?" She didn't wait for answer. "Give me that one." Krycek found himself relinquishing his seat.

"So, Ms ..." Skinner looked at the woman.

She stared back a moment before replying. "Ms Wu. Ling Wu." Her eyes swept the room. "You know, I can't believe you made me wait so long."

Skinner tried again. "So, Ms Wu, why do you want this position?"

"I work with lunatics. I was tired of it. Plus everyone had seen my outfits."

"You do know what this job entails?"

Ling gave an impatient sigh. "Yes, I know there's sex involved." She gave Scully the once-over, then turned to Skinner. "She's okay. And you look like you could handle it. But not him." She gestured at Krycek. "I don't like pretty men." Skinner smirked as Ling turned to speak to Krycek. "But I could use you. Have you done any escort work? I own a company."

Before Krycek could answer, Scully broke in. "There's also a small amount of investigating. Are you qualified for that?"

"We'll just hire someone to do that. There was this redheaded kid in the lobby who kept bothering the receptionist. He can do it. You and I can do lunch and shop." She crossed her legs. "I'm bored now. Do I have the job?"

Skinner leaned forward. "There's another part to the interview. Didn't my assistant tell you?"

"Sorry," Ling said. "I don't put out for interviews. You'll just have to wait." She moistened her lips. "It will be worth it, I assure you."

Standing, Skinner held out his hand. "We'll let you know."

Ignoring it, Ling rose and looked at Scully. "You really shouldn't dye your hair when you're pregnant." And she left.

"That's it?" Krycek asked. "I thought Frank Black was coming in."

"I called him," Skinner said, "but he turned me down. Too much sex and not enough serial killers, I think."

"It doesn't matter." Scully took off her shoe and rubbed her foot. "It's Constable Fraser, no question."

"It's hardly settled." Skinner got up and began to pace the room. "I won't work with that man."

"How can we change your mind, Walter?" Krycek took Skinner's place on the couch. "Though I'd be willing to work with Spender too."

"So we observed." Scully started on the other foot. "Can we put this to a vote now?"

The phone rang and Krycek picked it up. "Oh, hi, Chris...uh, well, nothing much, really...yes, she's here." He handed the receiver to Scully. "It's You-Know-Who."

Taking the phone, Scully frowned. "Scully...yes, I know...no, we weren't...just listen for a...oh...oh. I see." She hung up without saying good-bye. "Well, we're screwed now. Chris is threatening to totally trash the show if we don't let him hire the replacement." She shuddered. "The plot twists he mentioned were inhuman." 

"How could it be worse than what's already happened?" Skinner stopped pacing. 

"How would you like to be headmaster at Hoover's School for Troubled Youngsters?" Krycek started to giggle. Scully turned on him. "And you -- does the name 'Alexandra' appeal to you?" He turned white as Scully continued. "I can't even bring myself to say what he'd do to me."

Krycek leapt to his feet. "Did I mention I had an appointment?" He was out the door before they could say a word.

"Damn," Skinner said. "He wasn't supposed to leave yet. We're all supposed to have sex first."

"Excuse me?" Scully put her shoes back on and picked up her purse. 

"It's the rating -- strong language and adult situations." Skinner reached inside his jacket. "I think I have some condoms here..."

"Forget it, Skinner. The only thing that's going to make the earth move for me right now is a bowl of Chunky Monkey. I'll catch you later." She left.

Great, Skinner thought. Now what? He was damned if he was going to put on any more solo acts.

He picked up the phone. "Kim, is Agent Pendrell still in the lobby?"

F I N I S

So, who would you put on the casting couch? Candidates and comments to 


End file.
